Even if you know your ex isn’t right for you, talking to your ex can cause serious problems. Kirsch also offer some scenarios where your intentions may be more pure, and reaching out to your ex would be OK: 1. I've sent those messages and yeah, maybe they worked at the time. Your ex’s life or new relationship may seem flawless, but you don’t know what’s really going on. Sussman says exes who have kids together should try to remain on good terms if possible, since they’ll be in each other’s lives for the long run. If your split was amicable and casual texts back and forth don't set either of you back emotionally, it's OK. "That creates awkwardness," he explains. He's not the guy you call for spiders, flat tires, or rides. "But if it's their birthday, or another family member asked about them, and you want to send their love and let him know that even though you split, he's still loved and cared for, then that's totally fine," KirschÂ concludes. Here's what he had to say. Keeping in touch with an ex when you're in a new relationship is risky, but not impossible. But it's definitely not always that cut and dry. Even the high from text messages about canceled plans doesn't do it for you anymore. Is it ever OK to text your ex, then? I probably got the attention or company or comfort I was craving. My advice? I know because I've been there. “The No Contact rule is where you don’t call, text, or message an ex in any way after the breakup. If it stays on the light side, nothing wrong with it, but it should not get vitriolic, then it’s no fun anymore. He explains, "We all know what communication in the morning and evenings means between two people who have, or have had, an intimate relationship. When the question of speaking to your ex arises, there are many factors to consider, not the least of which is the state in which your breakup occurred. "Instead, it's best to build a nice and immediate bridge between the relationship and a friendship.". When your ex is having some kind of problems, you want to be there to support him. In that case, it's wisest to give them space. I'm with Armstrong on this one. Talking to an ex can create false hope that the two of you could one day get back together. The first question for someone to ask themselves before reaching out to an ex is "'Why am I reaching out? He broke up with me about 4-6 months ago. Blocking your ex entirely from any of your own social media sites may most extreme way to not stalk your ex, but it is also the most effective. I used to be the queen of reaching out to exes at very inopportune times. Texting can be an extremely effective method of establishing rapport, trust, and attraction with your ex… if executed correctly.. BUT… Beware! The world is full of sexy women, and all of us have felt the urge to cheat, even just for one night. Armstrong warns, "Texting your ex in the morning or late at night is something I would not advise. You're on good terms. I have definitely been on the receiving end of the inappropriate "happy birthday" text, and I have also sent a few in my lifetime. "They had a tumultuous on-and-off relationship for years, argued a ton, and he found her message very calculated; a way for her to 'get back into his head,' after they haven't talked for months.". If you have no idea what you’re doing, then texting your ex can be a one-way ticket to “staying single and looking desperate”.. Seeing your ex to get clarity, or in the hope of closure, does not nullify this fact, nor does it correct previous bad behavior (from either partner). What are my intentions?' Here, experts explain why having sex with an ex could be a … I haven't run in to him in over a year, but I think highly of him and know whoever gets him will be a very lucky lady," she tells Elite Daily. â only hit us when we're completely alone. According to Walfish, there's definitely a time when it's acceptable to text your ex—particularly when there are signs that you two might be able to reconcile. Now, talking to an ex should not be the same as talking to a significant other. On the contrary, this is a bad idea if one person wants to be friends while the other is still heartbroken about the relationship. I've walked away from breakups in the past only to receive three text messages from my new ex before I even made it to my car. After breakup or divorce you and your ex are still talking, and you are realizing that there might be a way to become more intimate… You’ve picked up on your ex’s hints, or maybe you’re wondering how you could get them back into your bed. Yes you guys, I confess: I'm still in contact with my ex-boyfriend more often that I care to admit. You've just finished watching The Office on Netflix for the 12th time and you realize, alarmingly, that you have a lot of time to yourself now. Whether or not you want to get back together, there are some things you should know about having sex with your ex that will help you to gage … It always helps me adjust the timing and tone of my text messages. But this isn't the only rule. Once in a while, it is okay to send a text message or an email or even to talk on the phone or in person. Giving your former partner time and space to come to terms with the state of your relationship is a much more effective way to maintaining a healthy friendship with them than calling them up the night of your breakup. You can start saying things you might regret. Armstrong says there are two times you should avoiding contacting your ex â when they are just starting a relationship with someone else and when you are doing the same. Maybe you’ve even been toying with the idea of getting back together with this person down the road. But here's why I'm trying to pull back, and you should, too. Drunk texting your ex is never a wise move, unless it’s 3am and you are stranded outside your apartment and they are the only person with a spare key *expect your ex to be very unimpressed … Once things have definitively ended, it's best to wait a few days before reaching out platonically. "If you and your ex are still friends, absolutely text them on birthdays and holidays," he says. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it's a visual indication whenever I open a conversation with them that things aren't the way they used to be. If I text you before I scroll through my social media feeds, it's serious. "Is there a god?" Consider what it means, what you hope to get out of it, and how to go about it. Yes, of course, it is. I mean, is there a right time to contact an ex? It was a simple exchange, with good intentions.". So imagine the shock that they will have when you walk is looking absolutely amazing, and regale him with how fantastic your life without him is. She and her last ex broke up amicably and still do occasional check ins. For example, if your ex still tries to reminisce with you about the good times you shared together or hints at the idea of you two reuniting later on in life, they're probably not over the breakup. Expect to Ever Hear … You shouldn't wait too long after a breakup to text your ex if things ended cordially, according to Armstrong. That's how quiet things have been on your end. If it was a respectful, mutual parting, talking to your ex may be just fine. But what about when the relationship was, for the most part, happy and healthy? And, TBH, you don't care that you have to be the one to initiate the conversation so you do it. It's OK to ignore a text from your ex in order to protect your own emotional (or physical) well-being. When you say that you are still thinking about your ex to your ex, you will melt your ex’s heart. Kirsch says of her ex, "He wrote me a text aroundÂ 6 p.m.Â on my birthday wishing me a happy birthday and sending well wishes, and I did the same last week on our once-shared dog's birthday. And it turns out, you actually can call that guy you used to date every once in a while. He was really disturbed to hear from her, even though it was a simple text," she continues. If the split is consensual, and both partners leave as friends, then catching up occasionally can be both positive and therapeutic if done correctly. But this isn't the only rule. We remained friends, but I still had feelings for him, but he chose not to return them. If you want to stay friends but your ex doesn’t want any contact, you need to respect that. "Someone I know celebrated their birthday the other day, and their ex reached out. “It’s almost like a weird Google News pin reminding you of your ex,” explains one writer. You need to inspect your intentions and become aware of your own thought process before you contact your ex. "In this case, I feel like it's totally acceptable to reach out to him, and it's always nice for me to see his name pop up on my phone on occasion.". Texting your ex – The things you need to remember #1 Don’t drunk text. It's difficult to establish trust with someone new if you're still in constant contact with your ex. "We never fought, and we both respected one another and still do. Now that you know the safe questions to ask your boyfriend about his ex, you should also know the correct way to broach the topic and the dos and don’ts of talking to your boyfriend about his ex. I like to remind myself of post-breakup text etiquette by immediately removing any identifying emojis and nicknames from my ex's contact card on my phone. Social media has not just made it easier for old friends to reconnect. You miss hearing your phone buzz and picking it up to see a familiar name that's just popping in to say hey. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and the like have made it that much easier for husbands and wives to reach out to ex-significant others. Here's why staying faithful pays off, for your relationship and for your sex life. Don’t talk to each other every day, and perhaps not even every week. If you have unfinished business with your ex and you want to know how to reach out to an ex after the breakup, you first need to understand the times when it’s okay to reach out as a dumpee. Essentially, I was reaching out to guys I used to date for all the wrong reasons: to make them jealous, create drama, force them to remember me, and insert myself back into their lives. Be prepared to deal with either your ex or mutual friends asking you why you took this action. Not unless you have a really strong post-relationship friendship." Aim for a much more casual 2:36 p.m. emoji-free message if you have to. That's Armstrong's stance, anyway. If it was a tumultuous breakup, in which one or both partners felt betrayed, staying away might be the better path. I've made mistakes. There was a consensus that liking an ex’s photos sends a confusing message, so it’s best avoided. It's not OK to contact them about the ended relationship. "When Is It Okay/Not Okay To Contact Your Ex Again?" Yeah, some talk too much because they are still attached, some don’t talk at all about their ex if … Maintaining a connection with an ex can causes harm in four major ways: 1. I couldn't really think of any positive reasons. Yes, of course, it is. If your split was amicable and casual texts back and forth don't set either of you back emotionally, it's OK. Pot, kettle, black, etc. Like, did you know that your upstairs neighbors have nightly fights about whose turn it is to change the cat litter? While you may want to speak to your ex immediately following a break up, it’s important to wait until you’re strong enough to listen and to analyze your ex’s words even if they’re hurtful. I finally got tired of it, and pursued another relationship. I felt emotionally drained â like I had just wasted my time on two hours of tearful conversation that fell on deaf ears. That's not to say you can't be friends with them while one or both of you are in a relationship, but you should give each new relationship time to develop on its own. Kirsch also offer some scenarios where your intentions may be more pure, and reaching out to your ex would be OK: It might be a good idea to screenshot this list and keep it in your phone for when you're drunk and feel like reaching out to that ex you still aren't quite sure if you should be talking to, because as Kirsch says, "boundaries after breakup are important": So essentially, your ex boyfriend is not your emergency go-to any longer. It’s no surprise that “communicating with your ex” is one of the biggest challenges post break-up– and also the most polarizing when it comes to how to get one’s ex back. and "When is it OK to text your ex?" Your decision may hurt your ex or mutual friends even. Picture this. If your intentions aren't pure, don't act," Kirsch says. Should you have sex with your ex? For about 2 years, I had an online relationship. I spoke to relationship coach Chris Armstrong about when you should and shouldn't text your ex. You text your ex. Reaching Out to an Ex. It started out good, but then as time progressed, we just fell apart. SheÂ also lays out the times where reaching out to your ex is a bad idea: Remember, reaching out under any of these circumstances will result not only in bad conversations, but also in bad relationship karma. Because there are now more people involved, it's important to consider everyone's feelings. But I've also been on the receiving end of those messages and all I truly felt was awkward â especially if I'd been happily moving on with my life since the breakup. KirschÂ has some personal experience on the topic. If I went on a date with another guy, and it made me miss my ex, I would probably be telling him that, too. Often people talk about their exes to make conversation. If your ex is always on your mind, say it. You do now. Okay, so it’s possible that your ex wants to meet up because they want the ego boost of seeing how desolate and alone you are, and how empty your life is without them. If you're still thinking about your ex and have feelings for them, hoping that it will all work out, then sex with an ex is a bad idea. I swear this is a true story: The breakup was at a frozen yogurt shop and my car was parked about 20 feet away. However, after that initial period, it can be helpful to talk once in a while. It means good morning and goodnight in a not-so-subtle way, and you don't want to get those signals crossed with an ex." It's a question very few people don't ask themselves after a breakup. Don’t call, text, or ask their friends to talk to them for you. But it's OK to contact them again when you have something to tell them that they need to know. It's safe to say that if you find yourself chatting your ex up for hours, multiple times a week, you're heading straight into the danger zone. In fact, you're bored and the silence in your tiny, empty apartment is uncomfortable. So I reached out to dating and relationship expertÂ Jen KirschÂ to ask her when it's acceptable to reach out to an ex after a breakup. Don’t make it a big deal: Approach the topic at hand in a very matter-of-fact manner and don’t make it sound like a big deal. 2. Good-morning texts (other than those from your mom and your friend group chat) typically suggest that you share a more meaningful relationship. Wishing them a happy new year might send the wrong message about your intentions or give them false hope about a future together. "These signs include that they express and demonstrate genuine accountability and remorse for having hurt you. 5 Reasons To Maintain Contact With Your Ex Communication is one of the top causes, if not, “the” top cause of break-ups. It’s tempting to let your ex know how wanted you are, but nobody wants to hear that when sex is on the table, says Durvasula. When you are talking virtually you have an invisible wall protecting you from embarrassment or regret.